Thursday, December 20, 2012


With one foot at the edge of the gap she looks down, she can hear how the pebbles are falling down, she screams but the abyss answers with the same words....she's looking for answers to the same old questions but definitely that's not the best way to find them. She looks at the sky and asks the same questions but this time she doesn't receive a word back .... She turns around and sees a lonely dandelion, she bends down, pulls the dandelion from the ground, takes it in her hand, closes her eyes and blows towards the dandelion, suddenly he dandelion starts spreading, flows freely in the sky, she can now remember how it used to be when she was little, how she used to stay for hours on the grass and watched the sky, how she could run so fast that she thought she could fly, how it was was when her knees her scratched but she would stand tall and smiled .... but now all of that are just memories, hidden somewhere deep inside. When we grow up we tend to forget the simple things that made us happy, we get caught up in the maze of problems and adulthood that we simply ignore the basics of that what makes us really happy .... tell me ... what's the point of growing up? happy....every day counts!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

When your brain doesn't have oxigen your cells start dying and once you reach a higher level of hypoxia you organs start to shut down and the body dies.... But it is said that the best moments in our lives are those that make us breathless...isn't that an irony...? I had a lot of those moments and sometimes i miss them very much, i'm one of those person who can't let go, who has few friends, who collects memories in boxes...and i'm constantly panicking that i'm going to lose my memories, that the things i hold dear won't be there when i wake up, it might sound stupid and silly but you know, we come into a point in life where there are few persons, things we can hold on next to our heart....and when you have it you grip on it without wanting to suffocate.... happy....every day counts!

Saturday, July 21, 2012

The sound of a needle holder :)

We are all born in this life for a reason, those who believe in reincarnation, believe that we are brought in this world to evolve, until we reach a higher power, to understand from our past mistakes and we reborn until we don't do them again. Everyone has a reason to be here, we just don't know what and until we find it we walk blind folded. On our journey in life we find sadness and happiness but the most important thing is to do the best with what we have, to find joy in everything that we do, to enjoy the simple things in life, because each of us is simple in a complex way. I found out that I love music, it makes me happy, it's who I am, it represent me in the most simple way. I love the few friends I have, because I know that no matter what they are here, I love my job and last but definitely not least I love surgery, I love every part of it. I love the excitement, the adrenaline rush that fills my body when I'm holding the scalpel, I love the feeling when everything went well and that innocent soul is better because something I did. I, for one don't think I would've been where I am today without the people that were there for me, the one's that guided me, that scolded me when I was wrong, that encouraged me when I was weak and I thought I couldn't go any further. So I feel honored to thank all of you who supported every step and big decision that I took in my life. Thank YOU for convincing me that I could study medicine, thank YOU for supporting me that I could do better and that I shouldn't quit, and last but not least thank YOU for teaching me the beauty of surgery, thank you for making me love the sound that the needle holder makes when I close it in order to suture...thank you all for helping me throughout these years, it's not that I couldn't done it without you, but you sure made things easier. Each and everyone of you is special :) happy....every day counts!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Ante scriptum

Did it ever happen to you to feel lonely in a room full of people? To be sad when everyone around you is happy? There I was, among people that cared for me but I felt all alone, left by myself in the dark corner of this place called reality. So I did what I do best .... Packed my things and walked away. never looked back for what I left behind. And on my road of finding myself I saw buddy of mine sitting on this rocks in the forest, "The Paint maker" we called him, interesting young person, with a smile that could make you forget all your problems, but that just wasn't enough for me. His job was to turn words into reality so I sat beside him while he carved upon my arm "Life is ours, we live it our way!", and just like that, seeing it written on my arm, I realized bluntly that that's how it actually is, we are our own little Gods, we choose how to handle the steering wheel, when to push the pedal to the metal or on to hold down the breaks. So I paid my fee to the paint maker and carried on my road in searching of myself. Looking around the forest I saw a steep and I went on it's edge, looked down and a voice inside my head said : You could jump, end it all, stop this misery, stop the pain, it only takes a second....Just one tiny little second.....I closed my eyes and imagined how it would be, to be free of it all, but then I saw my parents, my friends back home ..... So I took a step back and realized that this would mean that I quit, I always finish what I begin, plus my big ego would never accept failing .... So I turned my back at the steep and continued my road. I've always been the kind of person that cared a lot for her friends and I've always been in touch with them closely, I loved them all with all my heart and I remember this particular person, an older friend of mine that came in my dreams one night and told me that I wasn't alone and that I needed to find myself, to be strong and not to give up for anything in the world and wrote on a book she gave to me after the following words : "Revelations are Divine intervention ... and everything you experiment now, either good or bad are just the preparation for later on. You shall give thanks to those that have prepared you now for what's coming next". This words are still imprinted in my mind... There are no good friends or bad friends, there are just friends that are on the same page with you and those who aren't that doesn't mean they don't want what's best for you, in their own way, it just take time to understand them. I walked for days until I found this place in the forest that was so beautiful, so quiet, where I could build my sanctuary, where no one would find me.... even if in the far horizon I could see this brick wall so high beyond the clouds,but it didn't matter. So I started building my sanctuary, it was a simple place, just a house made of bricks, with a cozy fireplace, where I used to sit in front and just read, I love reading so much, it relaxes me....oh and this other thing that makes me very happy is listening to music. So I sat there, all alone, just with my thoughts, thinking about where did I do wrong and how I ended up to be alone, to love and to be so distant in the same time .... Maybe it was that moment when people started disappointing me, but that's not their fault, it's mine, you can't be disappointed without having expectations, I really have to stop doing that, it's bad for my heart, it drains my energy .... but still every time it's the same, I give every thing and in someway or another I end up getting hurt ..... But wait I have and idea, I can stop this from happening !!! I shall build a wall, so that every time someone tries to come in they'll have to stay in front of the wall, they cannot touch me this way!!! So I began building that should be thick and high so that nothing could penetrate it .... The wall is finished now ...hmm, no doors, just like in that song , " I live in a hallway, with no doors and no rooms " ... yeaaaah, nice, nothing can touch me now and when I decide to go out, I'll figure out a way to do that ... One night when I was staying on my wall I saw something on the other wall at the horizon .... I little door appeared and this girl appeared, who with the speed of the wind she quickly left her sanctuary.... Interesting I thought, maybe I'm not all by myself as I thought after all.... Some time past by and there I saw the young girl crying pouring her heart out....should I go and check out what's wrong I thought. But by the time I got there she was all smiling, behind her high wall.....Telling her my story we easily became friends, best friends after a short time, so our sanctuaries became united, both with her individual issues, but as one .... It's so much easier to walk in this world when you have someone to share :) happy....every day counts!

Friday, May 18, 2012

To the Moon and back ~ a story about truth

There was this girl once, with beautiful blue eyes, mystic in a very dazzling way and even if she always smiled and laughed there was so much going on behind that mask she was always wearing. Whatever happened she may not know or she may not talk about to prevent herself from being hurt again so she thought that the best way to protect herself from those that take advantage of her kindness is to start hiding herself. So as she walked on this lonely road she saw a pebble, she looked at it with those big blue eyes and said : YOU WILL BE THE STEPPING STONE OF MY NEW BEGINNING !! So she picked up the pebble, put it in her pocket and started walking again. As she walked up that road, she was thinking about a place where she would start her new hone .... Somewhere remote where it would be hard to reach, she thought, so she walked high upon a mountain; the view was magnificent, such a fresh air, so much beauty in front of her eyes. So she sat down, built a fire and waited for the night to come. The full moon was up in the sky and it would light up the whole mountain, so she laid back and watched the stars popping up one bye one. She fell asleep peacefully, maybe for the first time in her life but when she woke up she yet realized that this wasn't the perfect place for her new home ... It gets chilly by night and she hates so much to be alone. She got back on her feet, smiled at the mountains, thank them for the good night sleep and walked away in search for her new home. She traveled so much and just when she was ready to give up, to be disappointed once more she saw it ... There it was, just in front of her eyes waiting to be found. This amazing place was all she ever dreamed for, a green hill covered with flowers and a big oak tree where she could rest her tired body an in front of it this big blue pond ... So she walked in front of the pond and looked in it, she could see her reflexion starring back at her, so she said to herself: this sad girl will no longer exist, you shall be forgotten forever, you shall be buried in the darkest place of my mind where no one will ever find you, and so it all began ... One by one the pebbles began to form this beautiful cottage by the pond and when it was all done she looked proudly and said : YOU SHALL BE MY PROTECTOR FROM NOW ON ! With a smiling face she turned her back at the house and started running towards the pond and dove right in it .... Oh what a pleasure that was she screamed. It was so beautiful here, all by herself, just her and her thoughts so she started putting them in order and one by one all her regrets were put in a box locked and sealed where no one would ever find them, where no one would ever know what she has done. But no...wait ! People stated to find their way in to her sanctuary and this was not possible so she started building a wall, but at some point it became too small and they could still see her for what she really was, this wonderful, loving, caring, sensible person but this was not allowed ~ She wouldn't let them hurt her again so she built it much higher until she reached the Moon. As she sat there on her tall wall, looking down at those left behind : it would take a special person to be able to pass this wall I've built.So she came back to her little sanctuary and just went on with her life among the only souls she could ever trust, the 4 creatures that would never judge her or hurt her, the ones that will always be happy to see her : Misha, Licky, Bella and never the less Def, her dogs. But after some time she started to feel lonely so she built this tiny little door that no one would see and in one night she left her home to see once again what was out there, in that world she once she found HIM, the ONE person that made her heart beat faster and faster, that made her eyes be filled with hope once more, that made her wake up from the numbness she felt for years ... So she gave him the two things she hold dear : her heart and her trust ... Little did she know that he saw her as an easy pray and by the half way of the wall he thought that it would be best to return and leave her on the other side....Alone, once more... So she started crying again and asked herself what is wrong with her, doesn't SHE deserve to be happy, to be loved ????? Why did he chose to climb that wall when the door was wide open and why in Heaven's name did he quit so quickly, but still she hopes that one day he will return and be there by her side....until then she locked herself from the world with a broken heart...once more. What she didn't know was that just beyond the pond there was another sanctuary, just like hers with someone who saw how special she was from the first time she saw her that night when she sneaked out from her home to see the one that has her heart. So the two girls talked and talked about their experience in this screwed up life and more and more the second girl realized that for the first time it was great to be outside those walls and even felt protected by the blue eyes girl so one by one she started tearing down her wall, letting her enter her sanctuary and making the other girl realize that for the special persons it's ok to let the fortification down and trust them. ...... What happened next I do not know as the story hasn't been written yet... happy....every day counts!

Monday, February 27, 2012

I remember that when I was little I was looking forward to grow up, to be on my own, to be responsible and be able to take my own decisions.
I didn't grow up in a conservatory family, I actually grew up along with my parents, them being so young. I grew up as a kid with " the key around my neck" I started making my own decision since I was 8 years old, I always fought for what I stood for until I bled. At that time I thought that by working hard and being able to take the right decisions are the right ingredients to have yourself a pink life. Now, at 23 years old, I know that what we're told when we grow up is actually just a fairy tale or an ounce of hope combined with regret by the one you're told… life is never pink and it shouldn't be, I for one don't like pink, i like blue, I want my life to be blue and I'm trying my best to make it so. Unfortunately these days I feel that I actually haven't lived, I didn't do all the stupid little things which make those memories abominable when you remember.
And I mostly hate the fact that I'm sick, that I fucked it up because one stupid person, which obviouy isn't worth it. I don't want to pay for other people mistakes, I don't want to worry about things that are too mature for me right now, even if that makes me imature.

… all I want is to make my life blue.… happy....every day counts!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

2 years of surgery

It's been 2 years since I started my internship at the surgery clinic. It's been wonderful, there have been good times and bad times but I'm certain that when I'll draw the line it would be all worth it.
I look back and I see myself more mature, more confident and it's all because the people who teach me.
It is said that you become your mentor and if it's true then I'm going to be a wonderful doctor and a good person. Someone told me a little time ago that I should take better care of myself not to become as my mentor because I have a good heart and I shouldn't become heartless but that's one of the people who can't see beyond the lines... As I said before : "I can't think of 10 reasons why I want to be a vet but I can give you a 1000 reasons why I'd like to quit. And they make it harder on purpose...there are lives in our hands. It comes a moment when it's more than just a game. And you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit but here's the thing ... I love the plain-field".... And I do love the plain-field, I do love the adrenaline rush, right now I'm in vacation and I don't feel like myself, I miss my boss, the clinic, the fight, the laughs, everything...I will always be in debt to these two people who teach me how to be a good doctor and a better person and I don't think that there are many doctors or people who would take their time with someone to teach them things which they are not oblige to do so.

So thank you very much, once again. happy....every day counts!