Friday, May 25, 2012

Ante scriptum

Did it ever happen to you to feel lonely in a room full of people? To be sad when everyone around you is happy? There I was, among people that cared for me but I felt all alone, left by myself in the dark corner of this place called reality. So I did what I do best .... Packed my things and walked away. never looked back for what I left behind. And on my road of finding myself I saw buddy of mine sitting on this rocks in the forest, "The Paint maker" we called him, interesting young person, with a smile that could make you forget all your problems, but that just wasn't enough for me. His job was to turn words into reality so I sat beside him while he carved upon my arm "Life is ours, we live it our way!", and just like that, seeing it written on my arm, I realized bluntly that that's how it actually is, we are our own little Gods, we choose how to handle the steering wheel, when to push the pedal to the metal or on to hold down the breaks. So I paid my fee to the paint maker and carried on my road in searching of myself. Looking around the forest I saw a steep and I went on it's edge, looked down and a voice inside my head said : You could jump, end it all, stop this misery, stop the pain, it only takes a second....Just one tiny little second.....I closed my eyes and imagined how it would be, to be free of it all, but then I saw my parents, my friends back home ..... So I took a step back and realized that this would mean that I quit, I always finish what I begin, plus my big ego would never accept failing .... So I turned my back at the steep and continued my road. I've always been the kind of person that cared a lot for her friends and I've always been in touch with them closely, I loved them all with all my heart and I remember this particular person, an older friend of mine that came in my dreams one night and told me that I wasn't alone and that I needed to find myself, to be strong and not to give up for anything in the world and wrote on a book she gave to me after the following words : "Revelations are Divine intervention ... and everything you experiment now, either good or bad are just the preparation for later on. You shall give thanks to those that have prepared you now for what's coming next". This words are still imprinted in my mind... There are no good friends or bad friends, there are just friends that are on the same page with you and those who aren't that doesn't mean they don't want what's best for you, in their own way, it just take time to understand them. I walked for days until I found this place in the forest that was so beautiful, so quiet, where I could build my sanctuary, where no one would find me.... even if in the far horizon I could see this brick wall so high beyond the clouds,but it didn't matter. So I started building my sanctuary, it was a simple place, just a house made of bricks, with a cozy fireplace, where I used to sit in front and just read, I love reading so much, it relaxes me....oh and this other thing that makes me very happy is listening to music. So I sat there, all alone, just with my thoughts, thinking about where did I do wrong and how I ended up to be alone, to love and to be so distant in the same time .... Maybe it was that moment when people started disappointing me, but that's not their fault, it's mine, you can't be disappointed without having expectations, I really have to stop doing that, it's bad for my heart, it drains my energy .... but still every time it's the same, I give every thing and in someway or another I end up getting hurt ..... But wait I have and idea, I can stop this from happening !!! I shall build a wall, so that every time someone tries to come in they'll have to stay in front of the wall, they cannot touch me this way!!! So I began building that should be thick and high so that nothing could penetrate it .... The wall is finished now ...hmm, no doors, just like in that song , " I live in a hallway, with no doors and no rooms " ... yeaaaah, nice, nothing can touch me now and when I decide to go out, I'll figure out a way to do that ... One night when I was staying on my wall I saw something on the other wall at the horizon .... I little door appeared and this girl appeared, who with the speed of the wind she quickly left her sanctuary.... Interesting I thought, maybe I'm not all by myself as I thought after all.... Some time past by and there I saw the young girl crying pouring her heart out....should I go and check out what's wrong I thought. But by the time I got there she was all smiling, behind her high wall.....Telling her my story we easily became friends, best friends after a short time, so our sanctuaries became united, both with her individual issues, but as one .... It's so much easier to walk in this world when you have someone to share :) happy....every day counts!